How Not Being Vulnerable Held Me Back
lisatarkington“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
There have been many times in my life where I have been faced with hardships and obstacles that I let control my emotions. I allowed rejection, fear, break ups, loss friendships, un-given promotions and others thoughts control my emotions and my ability to be vulnerable.
I always thought I could be tough, be me, be confident and more and not be vulnerable…however that is where I was really wrong.
Ten Years Ago
Ten years ago, I fell in ‘love’ for the first time. I completely let my guard down and let someone in at the little age of 17, little did I know two years later I would feel my first heart break feeling as though my life was completely shattered into many pieces. Ten years ago I had the dream of being a broadcaster like Oprah or working for the Denver Broncos and unexpectedly I changed my decision to be something else. Ten years I left my home town of population very small to attend a university where I barely knew anyone, I lost friends and had to understand the concept of finding out who you are and who your true friends are. Ten years ago I decided to put my guard up because I wasn’t sure how to let emotions get the best of me.
Eight Years Ago
8 years ago, I met someone new who I decided to let creep into my life slowly. Since I wasn’t still allowing myself to be completely vulnerable, I still wasn’t confident in myself and the self-destruction of myself led to me not standing on my own two feet and allowing someone to treat me with disrespect and selfishness. 8 years ago, I let unreliable friends become my focus instead of true friends who have been there since day one. I allowed this because real friends make you be raw, be everything you are an allow the real emotions out of you, unreliable friends let you be crazy, care free with no rules attached.
Five Years Ago
5 years ago I left the place I knew so well for a new adventure of my life. This is where I learned how I was allowing everything to be blocked as I tried searching for real friends, a real relationship and a growth in my faith.
Three Years Ago
3 years ago, I wasn’t confident in a position I held which lead me to not stand up for what I believed in or who I was. I let go of the confident abilities I had in myself. I let past hardships come back for a second pass.
One Year Ago
1 year ago, I had coffee with an outstanding woman who when I said “I don’t do emotions” stated “well if I were you, I would start to” and that is when I learned.
Because I was’t allowing myself to be 100% vulnerable I did grow to be the person I wanted to be, I let others define my self-worth instead of me deciding for myself, I allowed undesirable treatment from relationships because I didn’t have the confidence in myself, I didn’t get close to people because I believed I would ‘just get hurt’ and I didn’t live the life I deserved because I wasn’t allowing myself to feel every emotion a person should. I should clarify one thing, my journey has come with emotional and vulnerable moments but my guard was up and my self-worthy and respect wasn’t where it should have been.
TODAY
Today, well today is a very different written self-love story for myself. I cannot pretend that everything is perfect all the time but I value myself way more than ever before. I have grown in my relationships with friends & family, let people into my life closer than every before. I have allowed myself to cry over the moments of pain and I have allowed myself to laugh at every goofy moment that I have come across. I utilize my faith to grow in the human God wants me to be and I share real raw experiences to help promote self-love to everyone.
Being vulnerable is showing strength. It is about being brave when sometimes you want to run; it is learning from all the mistakes [or lessons] from the pass but not letting them define you; It is taking that leap with a relationship, a story, a project and/or a job. It is trusting that It will be alright.
Last week I was face-timing with a good friend and I said “I’m not sure if this is what I want” she stared blankly back at me and said “Lisa this is exactly what you want, stop letting fear run the situation”. My responses….‘But what if it doesn’t work out the way I am visioning it to?” and then she said “You will be okay, just like last time something didn’t work out the way you wanted it too.”
Even though I am more vulnerable than ever…. We all still have our moments, but just know in the moments of doubt, whatever happens, you will be okay.
