I’m Over Him, Just Not the Pain of the Break Up

I have been staring at this screen for about five minutes before I could put words on paper. Not because I don’t have a lot to say (I always do) but because truthfully some days I am unsure how to start.

With this particular topic, do I start by sharing about my friend that called me yesterday feeling as though she will be single forever or do I start by sharing how angry I am at guys for not stopping dead in their tracks and scooping up the amazing women around them? So I decided to share my own fears as I know many women around me feel this way too.

I get asked all the time why I am single.

I mean what single person doesn’t? The question is honestly so annoying, my answer is always I don’t know. Period. Okay now that we have that out of the way let’s get real.

I think on a weekly basis I have a conversation with a single girl or a girl that has been through a lot and we are always trying to figure out life, men and why the hell we can’t be ‘fit’ and eat pizza and drink wine every meal.

Last week one chat completely caught me off guard. My friend had this guy she knew wanted to ask me on a date and wanted to know how I felt… Date? What does that even mean anymore…in my head I am praying not ‘Netflix and Chill’ because that last date I misunderstood the concept.

Also, then she asked me the question that really got my attention- But Lisa, are you ready? 

Ready? I thought “yeah sure of course I am” then as I thought… am I? No, no no no and this is the moment I always run from my feelings. But who am I kidding, no one is ever ‘ready’.

The Truth Why We Are Single

So if you want to know the truth about why some girls are still single it isn’t because they aren’t over their ex. Did I just shock you there? No, I promise you we all did the 7 or 20 steps of grieving after the break up, including the tears, the wine, the sad movies, the angry and most of destruction of his property (kidding here, well for some of us).

But the real true reason is because we aren’t over the pain of the break up.

Yes the pain of a break up. It can do a number on a girl. Think about it, most of the time a break is because someone fell out of love with another person, cheating or fighting were involved or someone was unhappy. In most cases it isn’t a happy ending with rainbows and unicorns.

So we sit here, heart broken wondering is the next date with another guy even worth it. We go out on them, the first guy that comes into your life takes you on a few dates, he seems great then he ghosts you, so you feel like you are back to square one. Then you decide to try again only to not feel anything and they feel everything…and the list of bad dates continue to happen. So then you decide to stop dating all together, you put yourself first and make the changes to make a happy life single. Then out of the blue, you meet someone, someone that you actually could maybe sorta like, and he maybe sorta could like you too and all the fears of the last heart break and pain come back.

You ask yourself questions like: Am I ready to put myself out there again? What if he breaks my heart? Do I really want to go through all the grieving steps again if it doesn’t end well?

I know what you are thinking stop letting fear get in the way but go with me on this.

Most of us women that have been single have picked ourselves back up, made friends, a life and a career. We have put the sadness on the back burner to enjoy everything in front of us, so why on earth would we want to go through that again? We have all learned self-love, which is extremely important but because we have learned to love ourselves we are also guarded more to maintain that feeling.

It is going to take us a while to trust again. So to that guy that maybe sorta likes us, you better make it worth it for us to feel okay to let go of the pain because it will not be easy for us.

So coming to my conclusion, next time you don’t understand why someone is single, try to understand their journey, they may be over their ex and not the pain of the break up.

Until then… single ladies everywhere… peace!