The War Between The Head And The Heart: It’s Nothing Personal.

What a loaded title for an article, am I right? 

It’s such a tricky thing, that internal battle that goes on between two parts of the body that make up all things you. You feel it all, the love, the good energy. You’re washed in the waters of potential and you are bathed in the adoration of longevity. But there, on the flip side of the coin that  you find yourself twirling between your index finger and thumb, resides the thoughts of the mind. And the mind doesn’t give up without a good fight. This doesn’t make sense, right? I mean, how could this make sense? I know there has been an actual logical trail that lead us up to this moment in time, but I still don’t know if we should trust this situation. And these thoughts are dancing around your shoulders, creating a soft blanket around all of the stellar light that your heart is radiating from your chest. The heart, back on the flip side of this coin, will put up an even stronger fight. We feel this. You understand that right? It will be okay. I trust this situation, you should trust this situation too. 

I can only imagine that it gets a little loud as you’re driving down the freeway to get to where it is that you need to go.

Trust me, I’m right there with you. It is a very difficult thing and it should never be taken lightly. It’s an overwhelming sensation of emotions slamming into a wall of your own resistance. And if you’re the person on the other end of someone going through this internal battle, it can create a bit of anguish. I am a person who will bend for the people that I love. I will flex into spaces that I otherwise wouldn’t go and I will do it loudly, almost taking on their emotion for them because it comes very easily to me. I need to take away any obstacle that stands before them, even when I logically understand that it is not my battle to fight. It’s just how I am as a person. If you ever need me to come in swinging, shining light on the darkest of your demons, I am your girl. I come prepared with a flashlight and a positive glow.

Sometimes fighting fire with fire just makes more fire. Try as you might, it just doesn’t help much. 

However, it doesn’t take away the shock waves that course through as you feel the person shedding layers and digging in a little deeper to what is truly going on with them. You almost feel like you can hear their thoughts, if that makes any sense.  This is absolute insanity. You’re taking on a lot. You can go one more day like this, you have until this fuzzy deadline. There is absolutely no way that this is as genuine as you are leading yourself to believe it is. The mind, it packs a combo punch, one after the other, striking the chest, hoping to dim the golden light. But the heart, the heart stays true, unwavering. This is exactly what it is. There have been times when you took the lead and you messed it all up and it still stands, tall, proudly. We’ve gotten through some pretty terrible things and it’s all okay. There is no worse thing that can happen, it already has. Together is where our strength lies. Give us a break. Let us be happy. 

And I am the person who takes tally of all of the mind versus heart conversations and I strike accordingly.

I demonstrate what it will look like in a fleeting attempt to make it make sense. I tear down walls that I have found myself hiding behind to show that it can be done and you can come out on the other side, stronger than ever. I hate seeing the people that I love stuck in the midst of a decision that gives them anxiety. It’s paralyzing, even for me, and I’m not even the one who is going through it. I tend to trend towards taking it personally through, which is something that I am working on. I become blindingly aware that I am staring at a now fuzzy wall of curious resistance because I am wondering why the words that I am saying aren’t making any sense without giving myself the simple gratification that they are making sense. I just can’t control their outcome. And it drives me to reach them even more. I am relentless when it comes to this sort of thing. I will produce an endless stream of constant love and adoration, almost to a routine, to show that I am here and I am fighting right along with you.

Believe me, it takes its toll.

I like to hike, so I frequent the outdoors, but sometimes when I am out in the woods, the thoughts from everything I have taken on are screaming at me from all sides, hiding behind the trees, underneath the fallen leaves on the ground. It’s haunting because there are days when I want to just give up, not forever, but I need a couple of days to recharge. I understand the concept of self love to the highest degree. I fully understand that sometimes, for as hard as I want to fight for someone else to help them get over their fear, I just can’t. I just have to be there, showing them that I am a constant and I’m going anywhere, despite what their mind may be saying to them.

It’s so difficult, especially when you’re up against walls you can’t truly see.

I attack from every possible angle, trying to find the key that unlocks the whole entire thing, but in reality, they are the one holding the key within their hand. They have it in the keyhole and it fits perfectly. (Cuts to me with a janitor’s supply of keys, shoving each one into the keyhole with a panicked, yet a powerfully positive disposition and there they stand, completely lit on fire because they hold the ace, but they’re scared to take the step forward.) All they have to do is turn it and they are free. It’s a break your kneecaps to get you to fall back kind of humble to find yourself running around them, becoming their cheering corner as the thoughts of their mind create a veil around them and you’re just flailing your arms, holding up a flag with their colors shining brightly on it, jumping up and down, almost to the point you’re losing

your voice.

You can do this! It will be okay! I promise! Look, I did it a thousand times, in a thousand ways! Please! Just look! I’m right here! I’m gonna hold your hand the entire way! Just focus on me! Please!

For as strong as my voice is, this is the point in my own journey where I need to take a step back. I have said it at least once a day to myself for a while now. I lace it in there, in between all of my cheering and my excitement. I can’t make them turn the key. I know they will, but they have to do it for themselves, not for anybody else, including me.

It’s nothing personal. 

My new mantra. I have to start telling myself this because I do take it personally. I’m over here, fighting like hell, showing up, ready and willing. I believe they need that though, to some degree. I’m in the midst of finding my own balance. How do I continue showing my endless, unconditional love and support without feeling like I am being held by chains? There are no chains. I am fine. I am living my life, despite knowing that my own change is inevitable. It will all happen. It honestly will. But I have always been the kind of soul who jumps right into the current and let’s it take her wherever it deems necessary.

This is absolutely the most accurate clip ever. 

Then, I simply jump off the wave and take a look around, survey what’s going on, then build a plan from there. I’m calculated and articulate in the art of all things emotion. I have never been one who sees things from a solely logical standpoint. I can’t attack things from a business perspective, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. People aren’t business ventures. They are love, they are all things good in the world. They are what keeps this Earth spinning. They have feelings; fears, hopes and dreams. They just want to give and receive all of that amazing love that they are made up of. They come from the stars, but they live in the world of business and money. It’s something that I struggle with, trying to take a step back and see it for what it is. I can’t always fight something in the lens of how I would see it. It’s been a great year of learning the lengths I will go to in order to remain adaptable.

I am seeing things from a whole other perspective.

It’s so surreal and I’m learning real quick that in some particular cases, I can’t fight at all. I have to remain absolutely still and let them push themselves forward even though I don’t want to see them in any hint of pain. It’s excruciating for me. I will gladly take on every single demon that they have so they can sleep well at night. It’s just how I am.

I’m am the voice of reason. It’s not personal.

It’s a time in your life where you can change the immediate areas in your own life that you need to focus on. It’s hard, to focus back on you while also being there for someone else. You have to remember that at the end of the day, you can only see through the eyes you were given and sometimes singing as the voice of reason is hindering instead of helping. It’s a hard pill to swallow, trust me. I know. I’m drinking a lot of water to help it go down. I am trying to find my own balance. I am in the process of setting down my janitors keys and instead taking a quiet stand next to them. Not behind them, to push, not in front of them, to guide, but next to them, to support.

You can do this. I believe in you. It’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. 

I’m telling you, letting go of your own fears of not doing enough to help the person you love will set you free in your own right. It already sounds better, saying the same things you’ve always said, but the tone and atmosphere are completely different.

It will be okay. It will all work out. Faith over fear. I promise.